Friday, December 24, 2010

Akathisia v depression

Akathisia. Which is what I got. Typical side effect of anti psychotics. Described here:

These drugs, in this family, do not calm or sedate the nerves. They attack. They attack from so deep inside you, you cannot locate the source of the pain ... The muscles of your jawbone go berserk, so that you bite the inside of your mouth and your jaw locks and the pain throbs. For hours every day this will occur. Your spinal column stiffens so that you can hardly move your head or your neck and sometimes your back bends like a bow and you cannot stand up. The pain grinds into your fiber ... You ache with restlessness, so you feel you have to walk, to pace. And then as soon as you start pacing, the opposite occurs to you; you must sit and rest. Back and forth, up and down you go in pain you cannot locate, in such wretched anxiety you are overwhelmed, because you cannot get relief even in breathing.
—Jack Henry Abbot, In the Belly of the Beast (1981/1991). Vintage Books, 35–36. Quoted in Robert Whitaker, Mad in America (2002, ISBN 0738207993), 187.

Things were getting unbearable and I was exhausted. I've decided to self medicate and cut back on the offending anti psy. Which makes me depressed but really, that's looking pretty good right now. Going to try and find my doctor today. Hope he's not on holiday!

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Heeby jeebies

I've got bad bad medication induced anxiety! Think I'm going to start hyperventilating! And I had such a sunshiny day too! Went out shopping for the library - cookbooks! That was very satisfying. Then I met my sister for a cup of tea. She's over from Perth and we've been having a nice time together. Then back to work to read an auditor's report. Ok that bit wasn't much fun. Then I worried about a topic for a few hours - something I've fretted over at least 50 times a day all week - eventually having to promise my boss that I wouldn't mention it again for the rest of the week. Bit hard that one, even though I'll only be at work for one more day. I've got such a patient workplace. Got a lovely parcel from my dressmaker, only to find that my new dress would barely fit a six year old. I don't know how she got it so wrong! She seems confident she can do things to it but I feel like the voice of doom. Plus I don't like waiting.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the art gallery with my sister - actually to look at art rather than just taking tea. Then my sister is going to help me make a shirt. Then I might panic a bit about what salads I'm going to make for Christmas Day.

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tip top and boomps-a-daisy

Golly! The last three weeks have been decidedly blah. But today everything is simply wizard. Mum came up from Bolwarra and we spent the day Christmas shopping. We're now as poor as church mice but all presents have been sorted, plus a few treats for ourselves thanks to Vivien of Holloway (vintage styling know no age or shape barrier!) Cup cakes were eaten, tea sipped and face powder tested. I tried on some day gloves for that proper ladylike finish, visited book and music stores and went completely piggy at Wallah! Got mum popped onto the train at the end of the day, kicked off my high heels and slipped into a bath, complete with bubbles and a book!

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Crazy lady no. 2

Highly strung doesn't even begin to cover it. Bipolar sweetheart Vivien Leigh

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Missing in action

It's not that I'm ignoring you, just don't feel too chatty at the moment. Hopefully my doctor will call me tomorrow and things will get back on track. In the meantime, here are some lovely, and crazy, ladies for you. I'm always dubious about retrospective diagnosis but it seems pretty clear that both these lovelies were bipolar and survived, kinda, unmedicated.

First up, the sweet Gene Tierney

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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Being crazy sure has its down side.

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